My First Angel.
Have you ever heard the expression you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family, well for the most part I believe this to be true, but sometimes nature or God or genetics whatever you choose to believe sends you that extra special person which happens to be blood related as well. Speaking of family, in National school, for anyone not Irish reading this National school is the time spent in education during the ages of 4 – 12. When I was there for those delightful years I remember most of my friends were amazed at the size of my extended family. My Mother came from a very catholic, deep country people who believed in fulfilling their duty to the Lord and had 16 children, I like to believe it is a testament of the love they had for each other, god bless them, and not their religious views. I did have a point here didn’t I, oh yes, sorry you’ll find I digress quite a bit so bear with me thanks. The other school kids always found it amazing, odd or plain freakish when they learned of all my aunts and uncles and cousins, at the time I didn’t understand, years later it hit me. When I was being conceived so were all the other children, which yes you might say I’m the president of all things DUH! However it was the 80’s, at the time the country village got a brief “In Style” moment and all the town peeps migrated the eight miles to where my parents lived.
As the town all be it a very small, was much more liberal and forward thinking than the country where my parents came from, had no such ideas of huge families. So most of the kids in my class had one or two aunts and uncles and here I was cream of Catholic family life with the equivalent of the empire state building of families amongst them all. As you can imagine with aunts and uncles there comes an assortment of cousins – when I think of them in one place, which I don’t think has happened in recent memory I visualize a jelly bean bag, there all basically the same but each with a unique colour and flavour – some you love and some not so much.
Fast forward to Secondary school, that’s the jail where they keep the education between the ages 12 – 18 for all you non Ireland residents and I was all about my gayness. I know these things usually steer in the direction of how I get over the constant gay bullying, and there are some stories I might get into later with you but for this little chapter I’m going to leave bullying of all types where it truly belongs – extinction. I am going to tell you however about a very significant moment in my life just after I came out, literally the day after I came out! There was a lot of pressure; after I told my parents the next thing were my friends and the others in school. Irish schools are the worst when it comes to different people and those who the hang out with, trust me it isn’t like the American version you see on television where people stay in their respective cliques and refuse to interact with anyone else.
In the Irish schools there generally aren’t that many students maybe 100 – 200, at least back in the 90’s when I was there and everyone knew everyone. So much so, you couldn’t fart without the entire school knowing within 2 minutes of it happening. I remember this one kid, this one will have to remain nameless purely due to the fact I can’t remember it, but he did leave a lasting impression on a lot of us due to the most natural thing in the world for a 16 year old lad – he got an erection in class, you know the kind you get when you’re bored, I can’t blame him, double Irish and our teacher was falling asleep at his desk, that’s how bad he was, so boring he puts himself to sleep. Needless to say I seen it, told my friend and cousin as it happens, Lucy, and then the rumour mill got to working. He was so tortured by it for the remainder of that school term he didn’t return after the break – I used to feel bad about it until I released it could be used as a “school boy fantasy” – at that age you perverts, I never think of it now!
As you can imagine then I thought when I tell everyone I’m gay, I could be looking at a new school and a whole new set of embarrassments! That was all true until I came out to that cousin I mentioned – Lucy. Ah Lucy, an angel as I came to think of her and still do, she has a family of her own now and a beautiful one at that. In school though Lucy had it all, beauty, intelligence, popularity and confidence. It was amazing to be her company, you know, she had that kind of spirit that made you feel you’re the only person in the world, I always felt like I was on a pedestal when we hung out together which was every day at these steps across from our school, the only place you could relax about smoking and not being caught – yes I was and am a smoker, it’s my thing, leave it alone. The day I told her, I decided to wait until school was out and we had out ritual meeting at the steps while waiting for the bus. Walking the five yards over I was nervous, would she hate it, would she accept it and just phase me out of her life or simply through her arms around me and utter the usual, “I’ve always known”, “Why did you take so long to tell me” or my favourite, “so now that out of the way – who in school do you fancy”. Thank Cher none of these happened, when I got there I began my rehearsed speech, “Lucy I have something to tell you” she stopped me by putting up her hand. I knew it; she wanted nothing more to do with me, me a gay person, a freak, so not a part of her world! Then an angel was born, in my eyes anyway she told me she didn’t need to know, I think I frowned at the word “need”, everyone needed to know this didn’t they, so they could decide if I was worth their friendship.
Lucy turned to me and said I was to stop feeling I had to conform to other people, I was gay yes, but to her that was a part of me a small part of a person who she loved and that others loved and I didn’t “need” to do anything but be the person I was, that was enough for her and she said if the rest of the world needed more from me then they really aren’t worth my time. Did I mention she was 16 too, such a wise soul in one so young. This slip of a girl had thought me my first lesson of self-discovery, in the end being gay is your sexuality, it’s not your life and it certainly not something you need to justify to others. Lucy if you ever read this I want to thank you, for being so damn cool back in school and for being so wonderful to me and all your friends, truly you were and are an inspiration to all young teens, whether it’s a free for all Ireland or a clique in the states.
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