I seen it coming
It was inevitable that every sexually confused lad I knew would come sniffing around for a “safe” way to explore their pubescent urges. Not having that many male friends and being safely under the cool radar it was deemed o.k. for certain guy’s to approach me in a quest to so it gay style! There a quiet a few times that I can tell you about but for the sake of space and boredom I’ll keep it light, for now at least! There was one guy that always made me feel more than some sexual play thing, his name was Martin – yes we’ll call him Martin it seems fitting. The usual kind of teenage boy. Fairly popular with the Irish country hick troop, tall with a slight build, dark blue eyes and his worst feature was his red hair. This wasn’t that meagre red either, it was flaming ginger, of course if it were today I doubt I would look his way but when your hormones are screaming “chance for sex” you tend to look past these things, or close your eyes at least. The first time we ever admitted anything for each other was when I was babysitting. I used to babysit for a lot of the local mothers, you know the type, lots of kids and no fathers to speak of, I’m not judging them, hell I praise them, I earned a lot of money from their nightly prowls away from the nest. One night though, picks any in a million of nights back then Martin knocked the door. I was sitting two children, fairly young so they were asleep early, I always defend the fact that they knew nothing of what happened that night but what do I know, they could have been sat on top of the landing listening to everything been said.
Well if they were they never mentioned it, and I was in a head rush at the time so I really didn’t care. When I opened the door I have to admit I was kind of shocked to see him there, yes we always said hello to each other and gave embarrassed little smiles every now and again but I always put it down to the fact that he had heard I was gay and no longer knew how to treat me or react to my presence. “Hi, Martin, eh . . . What’s wrong?”, for some reason I always think something is wrong when someone knocks a door, even to this day I really don’t know why! “Hey Tom, eh . . . how are you?” and then for the next five minutes standing at the door we exchanged the usual, I just wanted to call in to see how you are, what have you been up to lately, did I hear you were gay? Now this question sent alarms off, I knew there and then what he was after, remember this wasn’t the first time this had happened to me, but it was the first time with someone I actually liked. “Yes Martin, you heard right, why? Is it a problem or something?” I had to show defence of my sexuality because shortly after coming out I got a lot of questions and comments through at me so one had to assume it was an attack whenever you were asked a question about it.
“No problem Tom, I just wanted to ask you what it was like.” What it was like – there it was the question that cemented what his true intentions were, he wanted to have sex with another guy and he was side stepping around me to see if I would. I gave to usual statements, that I couldn’t explain what it was like, I had just come out, I hadn’’t experienced much bullying (I had really but would never admit it) blah bah blah! Half an hour lately we were sitting on a sofa discussing how he always suspected but that he never had a problem with it, like I needed his approval or something I was more thinking when is he going to make the usual move about wanting to kiss me just to see what it was like, that was the usual state of play. Then something new happened, something I wasn’t prepared for, he leaned over and kissed me full and hard on the lips, and yes he used tongue. Up until now it had been pecks to my lips, but this was full on kissing, I still remember he tasted like cola bottle sweets. I kissed back, my hand on his chest and he wrapped his arm around my waist, my heart started thumping. This was all so not expected, usually I was wanted to suck a guy off or be felt up but this intimacy, the first time I had felt it – and I liked it. He pulled away and said sorry. I was shocked, why had he stopped, why was I feeling light headed, horror of horrors did he actually see me as more than a sexual being to be used and forgotten. “Sorry Tom, I just had to, I’ve wanted to do that for years, sorry, I thought it would be, oh fuck, I screwed it up”. I felt extremely humbled by him; he had shown me that I could feel more than sexual high’s, I could feel emotional excitement to. “It’s o.k. Martin, I liked it, I like you, I always have”. He smiled and asked if he could come round the next time I was sitting, I agreed. For some reason I knew nothing was going to happen that night, and so did he but it was o.k. he liked me and really like him. Watching him walk down the driveway he turned smile and waved, I waved back. Returning to the sitting room I sat and a tear escaped from my eye. I don’t know why I was weeping and smiling all at the same time, I was only a teenager after all and the first pangs of what I though was love but was merely lust had started, from that day to this I still can’t kiss a guy fully without thinking of him, we did eventually hook of course and it was every bit the fantasy I had in mind, but that’s for another chapter, for now I had learned a great lesson – being gay didn’t just meant loud obnoxious sex of sordid affairs, it could mean having a connection with another that went deeper than sexual consequence.
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